He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
