Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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