i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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