chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
