Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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