I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
