I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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