i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
