just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
