You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
