I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
