By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
