so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
