Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The air was thick with penises
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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