Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
