Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
