I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
