im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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