Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
