I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My ATM looks so different sober.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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