Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
