and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
