dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
