I can tuck mytits in my pants
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We were destined to go to rehab together
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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