Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
