If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
