I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize