I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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