I wish my penis had an off switch
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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