the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
