I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
