I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
