WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
