I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
