My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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