Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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