Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
