why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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