I just pynch a tree in the face
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
