oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
