Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
