Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
