My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
