Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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