so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
