A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I accidentally had phone sex last night
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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