Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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