rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
