Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
