There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
