What a fucking waste of an outfit
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
