ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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