I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
