Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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