first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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