so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
