Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
