maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
