recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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