I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Best friends brother. Beat that.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
