When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
