Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
