So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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